The Situation
One of my executive clients, a Chief Medical Officer in a large health care organization, faced a familiar frustration: he couldn’t move key initiatives forward because a peer, the head of another major function, was unresponsive. Every delay from her team made him look slow, and every reminder felt like pressure. He didn’t have authority over her, yet he remained accountable for results.
His challenge wasn’t operational. It was relational.
How do you get alignment and commitment from people you don’t directly control?
The Shift
Instead of pushing harder, he began experimenting with small conversational shifts grounded in research from Harvard Business Review, MIT Sloan Management Review, and the work of Robert Cialdini, Judith Glaser, and Daniel Kahneman.
The breakthrough came when he realized influence isn’t about getting louder. It is about creating partnership.
Below are the shifts that changed the dynamic.
1. “Help me understand what’s in the way.” – Turn resistance into empathy
He stopped assuming she was ignoring him and started asking what was making it hard for her to respond. That single question opened the door to empathy. He discovered her workload was immense and worked with her deputy to streamline decisions.
Leadership takeaway:
People rarely resist the goal. They resist the approach. Curiosity turns frustration into collaboration.
2. “What would it take to make this work?” – Co-create commitment
Instead of saying, “Can you do this?”, he asked, “What would make it easier for us to complete this week?” Together they built a realistic, shared process that reduced friction.
Leadership takeaway:
When people help design the plan, they own the commitment.
3. “Let’s reschedule, not cancel.” – Turn courtesy into accountability
Their weekly syncs often got canceled. He began suggesting, respectfully, that any canceled meeting be re-booked right away. That small shift brought consistency and reliability back into the relationship.
Leadership takeaway:
Accountability is not about control. It is about protecting priorities through structure.
4. “What is the smallest version we could try?” – Build momentum, not pressure
Knowing she was already overloaded, he proposed smaller first steps. A five minute sync instead of a one hour meeting. A quick summary instead of a long report. Those small wins built trust and forward movement.
Leadership takeaway:
Big asks create hesitation. Small asks create motion.
5. “When we do this…” – Speak as if success is already in motion
He began framing plans as if they were already underway. “When we roll this out next month…” The language created forward energy and optimism. Behavioral scientists call this an implementation mindset.
Leadership takeaway:
Confidence is contagious. Speak from the future you want to create.
The Result
Within two months, collaboration improved significantly. Deadlines were met, communication tightened, and both teams operated with mutual accountability. No titles changed. Only the conversation did.
What This Means for Executives
At senior levels, influence comes less from authority and more from how you engage your peers. Leaders who consistently get to “yes” tend to:
• Lead with curiosity instead of control
• Turn resistance into data instead of drama
• Frame goals as shared benefit
• Lower the perceived risk of agreement
• Speak as though success is unfolding
Influence is not persuasion. It is helping others want to align.
Reflection
Next time you face resistance, pause and ask:
What would it take to make this work for both of us?
That question alone can move the conversation faster than any escalation email ever could.