In today’s boardrooms and virtual meetings, leaders are under pressure to influence outcomes, inspire teams, and deliver results. Yet, many default to leading with credentials, data, and polished presentations—overlooking a deeper truth about human decision-making: the most powerful influence begins not with what you say, but with how you make others feel.
Behavioral psychology and neuroscience reveal that most decisions are made subconsciously, guided by emotion and social context before logic comes into play. Dr. Robert Cialdini’s foundational research in Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion shows that principles like reciprocity, liking, and authority are most effective when rooted in genuine connection—not just expertise. Cialdini emphasizes making an “empathy deposit” before any ask, as this builds trust and paves the way for true influence.
Amy Cuddy’s work, including her Harvard Business Review article “Connect, Then Lead,” further demonstrates that warmth and trustworthiness are judged before competence. Authentic connection is the foundation of lasting influence.
Key Principles of Authentic Influence
- Reciprocity: Give attention and empathy before making requests. Every interaction is an “empathy deposit.”
- Liking: Trust and followership are built on real connection and shared values.
- Authority with Humanity: Expertise matters most after rapport is established; knowledge is best received when others feel seen and valued.
- Consistency: When people share personal stories or values, they become more invested in the relationship, increasing trust and commitment.
Real-World Leadership in Action
Consider a senior executive struggling to gain buy-in for a major change. Despite flawless data and a compelling case, resistance persisted. By shifting her approach to listen first—asking about team members’ aspirations and concerns and sharing her own vulnerabilities—she built trust. Resistance melted away, and her team became champions of the initiative. Influence accelerates when connection precedes competence.
Challenges Leaders Face
- The urge to “prove” expertise quickly
- Cultural norms that reward logic over emotion
- Time constraints discouraging deeper conversations
- Fear that vulnerability undermines authority
Opportunities for Growth
- Build influence through relational trust, not just positional power
- Foster cultures where empathy and authenticity are leadership strengths
- Develop self-awareness to recognize when you’re defaulting to “pitch mode” instead of “connection mode”
Actionable Strategies for Executive Leaders
- Start Every Interaction with Curiosity
- Spend the first five minutes asking open-ended questions.
- Listen for values, motivations, and concerns beneath the surface.
- Avoid jumping into solutions before establishing rapport.
- Research for Real Connection
- Learn about the person, not just their role. Reference shared interests authentically.
- Ask Deeper Questions
- Move beyond “What do you do?” to “What drives you?” or “What’s most important to you about this project?”
- Share Vulnerable Stories
- Offer personal anecdotes that reveal your own challenges or growth moments, signaling psychological safety.
- Frame Insights Through Their Lens
- Present ideas in terms of the other person’s goals and motivations.
- Make Empathy Deposits Regularly
- Offer support, recognition, or resources with no immediate expectation of return.
- Build Consistency and Commitment
- Encourage others to articulate their goals or values, and reference these in future conversations.
Reflection for Leaders
- When was the last time you led with empathy instead of expertise?
- How might your influence shift if you prioritized connection over competence?
- Where could you make a deeper “empathy deposit” this week?
Influence is not about being the loudest or smartest person in the room—it’s about making others feel understood and valued. Research by Dr. Robert Cialdini on influence and persuasion, alongside Amy Cuddy’s work on warmth and trust, underscores that authenticity and vulnerability are not weaknesses; they are the foundation of trust and sustainable influence. The most effective leaders consistently put relationships before results, knowing that strong relationships naturally drive lasting outcomes. As you prepare for your next high-stakes meeting, pause and ask yourself: Am I leading with connection, or just competence? The answer could transform your influence—and your leadership legacy.